
With Everyone Watching: Parenting as a Pastor's Wife
I was sitting with my four young kids in the front pew at our Sunday morning service.
Three of those four are boys full of energy. Behind me sat—let's call them, the Jones family—including the perfectly still Jones children. Seven of them with Bibles opened. The following-along, beautiful, wonderful Jones children. “Have you seen how those Jones children sing during worship and sit during the sermon?” This was the question that people had so kindly pointed out to me. This was the question that distracted me as I sat and “listened” to my husband's sermon.
Next to me, my sons started to wiggle and poke each other, and one let out a screech. I grabbed his knee and gave it a good hard squeeze while staring darts into his eyes. I couldn’t have him making a ruckus, especially not with the Jones kids sitting so close by. What would people say about my children? What would people say about me?
My heart stilled.
My mind stopped.
New questions came to mind. For whose sake did I squeeze that little knee? Was it for love? Or because of shame? Why do I seek to present perfection when grace is what I need? I began to wonder if I had placed this expectation on myself or if others had imposed an expectation that my children should be calm, quiet, and self-controlled. This moment gave me the space to be curious about my knee-squeezing reaction.
In my reflection, I realized that I was longing for control over my kids only for my own sake so that I would look good and be praised for my wonderful parenting. I wanted to be like the Jones parents. I wanted to feel in control and please people. I wanted everyone to say all the nice things about my kids. The question that gently came to mind next was, “How does the gospel inform this moment? Does the gospel ask for perfection?”
No, it does not.
In fact, living in light of the gospel requires a recognition of my imperfections, of my ongoing need for God and his grace in my life (2 Cor 12:9). Parenting as a pastor’s wife in light of the gospel requires honesty and vulnerability. The truth is that parenting stretches me into spaces where I feel out of control and at a loss. Can I show this part of myself to church people? Can I let them in on my weakness? These questions I wrestled with are felt by many in ministry and leave us wondering if a “double life” is necessary in a leadership role (Burns et al., 2013,p. 182).
Since that moment, I have sought to love, guide, and discipline my kid for their sake and not for my own image.
I don’t do it perfectly, but I do it within the context of grace and the freedom to parent for God, not for the expectations of others of us as pastors. I do get comments about my kids, and they are different from the comments the Jones kids received. With smiles and a laugh, people have said to me, “Your kids make me feel comfortable to bring my kids to church,” or “I love that your kids are a little wild.”
I will take it. I will take what God is doing by His power through our family.
Wherever these expectations come from, whether self or others, we know that the weight and pressure of these expectations deeply impact the well-being of pastors and their families. It is normal for a pastoral family to feel the pressure of leading by example or feel that they need to show only their good side (Burns et al., 2013).
Acknowledging these pressures or expectations is the first step in alleviating them. As a pastor or pastor’s spouse, it might be beneficial to sit down and begin to name the expectations you feel from your congregation, and maybe even keep a running list of them to have regular discussions about them with your spouse, family, or a trusted friend (Bruns et al., 2013). You might also want to open up the conversation to other people in ministry who most likely have a similar experience.
Normalizing and exposing some of these expectations creates space to evaluate which expectations are reasonable and which ones are unreasonable, laughable, or maybe even harmful to your family (Burns et al., 2013). There is power in articulating expectations around ministry because then there can be intention about which ones you seek to meet and those that you lay down and leave behind.
References:
Burns, B., Chapman, T., & Guthrie, D. (2012). Resilient ministry: What pastors told us about surviving and thriving. InterVarsity Press.